There are a lot of good arguments for why pastors should use Facebook and Twitter. (Check out this article about that, for example.) And there are some helpful suggestions out there about how pastors can engage online in safe and effective ways. (Check out this article about that.) But I've noticed an interesting trend in social media among my friends and colleagues who are pastors - many of them are attempting to silo their work-related "friends" from their "real" friends by creating separate personal and professional social media accounts. I'm wondering what you think about this. Have you tried to do this? Have you decided not to do this? Why or why not?
I'm going to show my hand and tell you that, to me, this not only seems unhealthy - it's impossible.
When I was graduating from seminary, the second most unhelpful piece of advice I received was "don't make friends with parishioners." The idea was that you were supposed to keep up a professional distance from the members of your congregation in order to...what? I'm not sure. Avoid congregational infighting over who gets to be friends with the pastor? Maybe if we were all in 5th grade. Keep secret the idea that you're a real person who maybe swears once in awhile, has a beer after church on Sunday afternoon, and sometimes wonders whether all this God-stuff is even real? See above comment about 5th grade.
The idea that you can't be real with members of your congregation makes sense in a modern, industrial world where pastors are "professionals" responsible for bringing in butts and bucks and maintaining the institution by providing high-quality services for pay. But in this emerging future, pastors will be more like co-creators and fellow travelers on a spiritual journey.
Being real is, like, the number one job qualification today - not something to be avoided at all cost.
Does it take maturity to be friends with people in your congregation? Yes. But if you're not mature enough to manage it, maybe you should think about another line of work. Will it demand maturity from people in your congregation? Yes. But few things are as gross about church life than the patronizing tendency of pastors to treat their parishioners like children. Are there dangers? Yes. The main danger is that you will be a different person because of the relationships you develop. If you let people see you - really see you - and give them permission to call you out when you're being stupid, scared, or self-centered - you'll be transformed by the experience. Of course, you'll also be a better pastor. And you'll help create a culture where everybody is expected and encouraged to grow spiritually, emotionally, and every which way.
You might actually end up with a church that is doing what matters.
But, really, the thing I find most interesting about the trend toward trying to silo off your personal life from your professional life as a pastor is that anybody thinks this is even possible. Unless you decide to go off the grid completely - which means shut down all of your social media sites, never comment on an online article or blog post, never post a photograph anywhere online, never send an email (which can be easily forwarded), etc. - your life is basically an open book. Heck, even if you do decide you're not going to hang out online, there are enough public records online these days that people can find out all kinds of stuff about you without you even knowing it. These days, whether you want it to be this way or not, transparency is the name of the game.
In other words, you're going to be more and more "real" to people whether you want to be or not.
The question isn't, "How can I hide who I really am from people?" The question is:
"Who am I? And who do I want to be? And how can I live my whole life - personally and professionally - with integrity? How can I be really and truly ME wherever I go, whomever I'm with, in every single situation?"
To be honest, I think this is going to be a very good thing for the church. And I think it'll be good for pastors, too, and their families - many of whom have been drowning in loneliness for years.
But that's just my opinion. What do you think?
P.S. I'd be glad to be your Facebook friend! http://www.facebook.com/kfryer1
P.P.S. The #1 piece of unhelpful advice I got when I graduated from seminary...will be the topic of a future post! :)
Well I have separate accounts on facebook. I've just had my privacy invaded in ways that right now I feel comfortable handling it this way. To me it's like there are some parties I would not invite my congregation members to. There are some things I want to share with my buddies but not with congregation members. I don't feel like it's dishonest or sneaky or unhealthy. I'm real comfortable with it.
Note of course anything I share on facebook is understood that could be made public so there's nothing I share that would cause me any kind of REAL problems.
Posted by: Joelle | 02/11/2011 at 09:38 AM
@ joelle - thanks for adding your story and perspective.
i know that what i'm suggesting can lead to uncomfortable moments. i shut my wall down on fb last year for similar reasons. people could comment on my posts and status updates but not post random things on my wall. i just re-opened it (after a smack down from my college-age son!). we'll see how it goes.
i'm not at all convinced, tho, that separate accounts is the way to go. and i do think that the impulse to do that, in most cases, is probably connected to a misguided sense of "pastoral identity" that actually does harm to congregations, pastors, and their families. but it's good to hear another point of view. thanks for sharing yours!
Posted by: Kelly Fryer | 02/11/2011 at 10:25 AM
Some comments on this post from my Facebook wall today:
Stacy - Thank you, Kelly. I needed to hear that today. I re-posted it...thanks!
Jana – Kelly, thanks for the words to express what I have long felt and lived out. Amen.
Lynne – AMEN Kelly! I can't even imagine doing this! With all the interconnections and 'chance/coincidental/God' happenings I've experienced in my life, to 'silo' oneself is not only impossible but seems to be unhealthy in many ways too.
Jim – "... the second most unhelpful piece of advice I received was "don't make friends with parishioners." I can't imagine what the most unhelpful advice was. But I have heard this even now - and I graduated this past May.
Wanda – I decided a long time ago, that I am who I am and that includes being a pastor...and what's the point of segregating significant parts of my life?? I loved your post - thank you!
Erik – Most of my pastoral care with people under 40 begins on Facebook (sometime happens entirely there). My approach to Facebook as a pastor is to be authentic online, but to imagine that my grandmother is keeping close tabs on everything I post (so I try not to swear too much).
Posted by: Kelly Fryer | 02/11/2011 at 10:28 AM
More comments from FB:
Kevin – Excellent post. I do a lot of ministry on FB. But I also think you identify a deeper issue: how pastors and parishioners relate. I, too, received that "most unhelpful advice" when I finished seminary, and found it to be recipes for loneliness (especially when my first parish was in a tiny village), and pastoral ineffectiveness. I minister best when I'm part of the community, not when I'm a religious professional.
Elaine – I don't silo. I have pastors who are friends AND under my oversight. We have built wonderful relationships that matter and make a difference in who I am as pastor and bishop. Sure I have to watch what I post, but what's wrong with that? I'm not hiding anything, I'm using appropriate filters which is what everyone should do. I even apologize publicly if the comment I made is inappropriate. We are all models of God's redeeming love found in Christ. The social media is just one more way that WORD is expressed, whether our calling is pastor or mom or grandma, whoever I am on fb. Every opportunity to connect with another human being matters. It's not about our profession, its about our profession of faith!
Posted by: Kelly Fryer | 02/11/2011 at 10:29 AM
When I started getting "friend requests" from parents of my Sunday School kids (I'm a CE director, and now in seminary), I immediately made a "friends list," that could easily be blocked from seeing a particular photo album or status or whatever.
That was three years ago.
I've never used it once to block them from seeing anything.
Maybe I'm just boring but I don't really have a lot that I want to share on FB but not with my church folk.
Posted by: Emmy Kegler | 02/11/2011 at 12:10 PM
@ emmy - lol!
i'm thinking that "boring" in this case means "integrated" - which sounds just about right to me.
Posted by: Kelly Fryer | 02/11/2011 at 12:22 PM
This comment was originally posted on a friend's Facebook account who had reposted your blog post, but you asked that I share my thoughts here, so I will.
What I originally said was that it's ironic to watch how fundamentalism creeps into this so-called emerging, egalitarian medium. That was not to this article specifically, but to the entire thread of conversation that followed it on my friend's page, which seemed to be about deciding whether the "right" way to have a Facebook presence was one or two profiles.
My response was: Why does it have to be a question of either having integrity/being faithful/living authentically OR living undercover/being in the closet/being two-faced?
Is it not possible that different pastors work out their professional boundaries in different ways? Is there only one correct way to use social media?
I know what it is like to try to live two authentic lives, and the pain of having to keep part of one's self secret. I also know how important it is for us, as leaders, to have time "away" from work, and places where we can share and confide things that we don't need the whole world to know. Perhaps we even become more refreshed, authentic, and courageous to share with our congregations when we also have the safe space to work things out privately.
I don't know all the answers, but I will trust that people are mature enough to make this decision on their own, according to their own temperament and context.
For the record, I am a pastor, and I only have one Facebook profile. The reason I entered the conversation is because I have colleagues whom I respect a great deal who have separate accounts, and I don't think it's fair to call their authenticity into question, or to say that the very real boundary questions they raise are commensurate with the maturity of a 5th grader. One of the VERY useful pieces of advice I remember from seminary is that congregations are family systems, and that regardless of a person's age, there are a number of factors that can affect how they relate to their pastor. This includes needs for attention. I trust my colleagues to know and do what is most responsible in their context.
Posted by: Jon | 02/11/2011 at 03:04 PM
"trying to silo off your personal life from your professional life as a pastor is that anybody thinks this is even possible....
A parishioner had a party to which he invited people from the congregation, people from his work place, and people from his neighborhood. I made a comment about wishing to be able to go to a party to get away and not have parishioners talk about church. He looked at me and said, "Don't you think my co-workers will talk to me about our work". Touche!
It is not just a church or pastor issue. And maybe we (or at least I) can give our parishioners credit for understanding that.
Posted by: Jeff Stalley | 02/11/2011 at 03:15 PM
@ jon - thanks for jumping into the conversation. it's been interesting to read the debate that is happening on fb today, sparked by this article. i think it might mean that this is a question a lot of people are wrestling with. and so it's helpful to have different points of view. thanks for sharing yours.
for the record, i'm not saying people with boundary questions are like 5th graders. i said i can't think of any good reason somebody would make a blanket statement like "don't make friends with parishioners" that didn't insult (intentionally or not) my maturity and/or that of my parishioners. i think that "don't be friends" viewpoint is connected to an understanding of "pastoral identity" that is harmful to the church (and to pastors). but i'm open to being challenged on that, too.
thanks, again, for being in the conversation.
Posted by: Kelly Fryer | 02/11/2011 at 03:16 PM
@ jeff - this is a helpful reminder that the issue of transparency is one everybody is dealing with...not just pastors. when my daughter left college and took her first corporate job she went through, cleaned up her fb page, and shut down her wall until the rest of her friends were all out of school and in the job market, too. like erik said (above): don't post things you wouldn't want your grandmother to see. that's good advice, imho, for everybody...no matter what your job happens to be.
Posted by: Kelly Fryer | 02/11/2011 at 03:21 PM
Kelly,
Apparently, I'm not nearly as eloquent as I think I am : )
On a fb post comment by me that you said was "well said", someone else said it sounded like hypocrisy.
Anyway, what I posted above was not so much about transparency and posting things you would want grandma to see. It was meant more to be about how I can't be pastor 5/6 days per week and just plain old me the rest of the week. There are times I would rather focus on something other than church, but that isn't always going to happen. Just like when I am preaching, I am still a spouse and a dad.
In the same way, our parishioners can't silo their work away, either (or any part of their life for that matter). I don't think we are isolated in this. And it may be that we could have good conversations with them about it.
Your daughter is in the corporate world? I remember when she was born!
Posted by: Jeff Stalley | 02/11/2011 at 06:38 PM
@ jeff - yeah, we're getting old, my friend!
Posted by: Kelly Fryer | 02/11/2011 at 06:55 PM
I admit to wondering what is shared, said, or done on a "personal" FB profile vs. a "pastor" FB profile. What are people sharing personally on FB that could possibly interfere with one's ministry, or at least that they might not want to share with people in their ministry? If they are sharing such potentially damaging things on FB, why?
You cited the need for "maturity" in managing friendships within the congregation. I also wonder if such "maturity" is needed in how we manage our Facebook presence - in general, and as clergy. How many of us have seen things posted by friends and colleagues on FB that strike us as odd or inappropriate? I've seen FB friends narrate pastoral encounters, air conflicts with friends or congregation, and share other information that didn't need to be - and ought not to have been - shared on FB.
Facebook is not just an online mirror of our "normal" lives. With 929 friends (or even with 300 friends or with 78 friends), a Facebook presence is unlike any "in real life" presence any of us have. I can't pretend that being on Facebook is just like going out to dinner with my closest friends ... where I might share private thoughts about my work or my family ... but I think that's what some people want Facebook to be. But it just isn't. Sorry.
----
I'm also thinking about ordination vows, and if a more carefree online presence is something that clergy give up by nature of entering public ministry. Or maybe that has nothing to do with ordination vows and public ministry, and everything to do with simple maturity and common sense ...
Posted by: Chrisduckworth | 02/12/2011 at 06:53 AM
I tell people all the time that I am the same at home as I am as a Pastor. Filled with flaws and dependent on the grace of God. I never bought into don't be friends thing. I do have boundaries like everyone else. I just draw them differently.
Posted by: Jon | 02/12/2011 at 02:39 PM
Hi all, thanks for the conversation. My comment got too long, so I posted it on my blog instead:
http://clarkolsonsmith.com/2011/02/be-real-and-if-you-want-be-friends/
Thanks for starting the conversation, Kelly.
Posted by: Clark | 02/22/2011 at 08:56 AM
It sounds like part of the confusion is how one understands the idea of friendship. If friendship means interacting with parishioners as interpersonal and spiritual equals, allowing your true identity and experience to shape your preaching and ministry, and being a part of people's lives outside of church, then I think that's perfectly healthy--and necessary.
Perhaps it's because I'm an introvert, but when I think of "friends," I think of my "circle of trust," the people I turn to when I need someone to listen to me, vent to, cry with, confess to, and be comforted by...just as I do to them in return. I would never look to a parishioner for that kind of support.
Some extroverts have a broader definition of friendship, and that could be part of why we're talking past each other here.
Posted by: Jon | 02/23/2011 at 02:29 PM
Oh lord, is there nothing more anybody can do
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